Health tips might include Essiac, Water, Pot Shrinks Tumors, sex (good for breathing, vitality, and Mental Health), and/or the understanding that Stress and Longevity are related such that less stress implies longer life. Cool it. Live Longer. (And better.)
But lest it be said that we take health entirely too seriously, consider the idea that Laughter is by far the best medicine. (Could Reader’s Digest be wrong after all these years?)
Apparently, as we think effects how we feel, and if we’re rolling on the floor in Laughter, the exercise alone is worth something. Just as in Creating Reality, so do you create your own health. [This suggests, of course, a healthy dose of self-responsibility -- as opposed to Scapegoatology, or tendencies toward Woundology.]
Nevertheless, laughter is one of the best ways of being healthy and/or achieving health and wellness. It doesn’t get as much press as other remedies -- but that’s only because it’s much, much cheaper. Enormously less expensive! A definitive “blue light special”!
Stress is the real health destroyer, while laughter is the antidote. [As has been noted, when you’re feeling pains from the slings and errors of outrageous fortune, remember that the purpose of life is to gather material for a stand up comedy sketch in the afterlife.]
Inasmuch as your Health is based on your choices, you may want to consider the following facts before making any quick decisions:
J If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it, does it?)
J The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the rest of the body to squirt blood 30 feet in the air. (Yes, but why would you want to do that?)
J A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In your next life, you may want to be a pig.)
J A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Are you still thinking about the pig?)
J Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (But do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
J The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... can you imagine??)
J The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
J The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (“Honey, I’m home. What the....?!”) [Meanwhile, a male human cannot copulate and still have blood flow to his brain?]
J Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (But you may still want to be a pig in your next life. It’s a matter of quality over quantity.)
J Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something you undoubtedly wanted to know.)
J The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...)
J Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
J Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing.)
J A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (Wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
J An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (There are a lot of people like that.)
J Starfish have no brains. (There are a lot of people like that too.)
J Polar bears are left-handed. (But if they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
J Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
Then there is the classic Chili Cookoff. It is one of those stories making the rounds of Cyberspace, but which nevertheless continue to make one laugh. Supposedly, these are the notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey...
“Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair of Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event.”
*****Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, but needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
*****Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
*****Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
*****Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
******Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Then there are the orthopedic health tips (which might at least help the funny bone):
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; but if you find it becomes the only reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -- Good.
Q: I stopped smoking, will I live longer?
A: No. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
On the lighter side, i.e. shedding pounds, there is the contrarian view. From Science and Technology Headlines, “Extra fat means more happiness, better sex!”
Tracy McVeigh of the London Observer Service (July 02, 2000) writes (no kidding):
One of the world’s most revered scientists has developed a theory that fat people are happier than thin ones. James Watson, the Nobel prize-winning geneticist who was jointly responsible for discovering the structure of DNA, believes that plumper women are also likely to enjoy a better sex life than their thin counterparts.
Watson, who directed the successful human genome project, has moved into the controversial science of body image. He recently told an audience at University College London that his research suggested extra pounds had the biological effect of making a woman well-rounded in character and better in bed. “Thinness is never associated with sexuality,” said Watson, 72. Posh Spice and Calista Flockhart might smile for the photographers, he claimed, but beneath their sleek exteriors lurk miserable thin souls. [Just messing with diets would do make anyone miserable!]
His study of chemicals in the body has led him to conclude that extra fat has the effect of boosting endorphins - the natural mood-enhancing chemical -- and a hormone linked to sexual desire. In thin people, he said, the opposite effect was observed: less fat led to the brain receiving fewer endorphins.
Watson’s theory, which applies equally to men, is that in the past man would have spent his life constantly looking for food. The reward for the hard work would be eating and gaining weight. Hence, if you are thin you may be constantly looking for the next meal.
Watson concludes that in evolutionary terms, “thin equals discontent. Content people have weight on them. That is why we hire thin people because they are discontent and will work harder. Heavier people are more mellow and less successful.” Thin people, on the other hand, are so driven by the need to find that elusive happiness that they become overachievers. So worldly success may well come more easily to the slender.
“Kate Moss is probably the most famous thin person in the world and she’s looking particularly sad. Who has ever heard of a happy supermodel?” asked Watson. “Why is the association with these people and drugs so strong? It may not be a moral weakness but in fact a thin person trying to find happiness in artificial opiates.”
Watson’s interest is purely scientific. [i.e., he’s 72!] He stumbled on what he calls his latest “obsession” while chatting to a taxi driver in New York who told him of an Arizona scientist who, trying to create a self-tanning drug, had injected himself with a hormone which gave him an 8-1/2-hour erection.
The hormone was MSH, linked to sexual desire and also to sunlight. “It was one hormone which had always bored me before,” said Watson. His interest excited, he began to look at MSH and discovered it was closely linked to two other chemicals in the body - endorphins, the feel-good chemical, and leptin. Leptin is made in fat tissue; the more fat, the more leptin. MSH is affected by leptin and is connected to sexual desire.
“The heavier you are, the more leptin and possibly the more MSH,” said Watson. “My guess is that your mood is controlled by endorphins and you make more of these when you are fat. Hence nobody has ever drawn Santa Claus thin; thin people are discontented.”
Since MSH can also be affected by sun, happiness could depend on either being in the sun or being fat. “The people who are the hottest sexually are fat white people who are burning in the sun,” he said. “I now really look at fat couples in a totally different way,” he said. “When you see two thin people together, you know they’ve got problems.”
So Watson recommends that curvy women match with larger-proportioned partners for the best sex life.
He also credits the drop in U.S. crime rates to the rise in obesity there. Watson hopes to publish a paper on the subject by the end of the year.
Finally, there are the blonde jokes. [One theory is that blondes are actually smarter than people with other colors of hair (or bald), but the blondes (natural and otherwise) have found that appearing dumb accomplishes more on their behalf than appearing smart.]
J A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is suddenly overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
J A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend asked, “Okay, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy. W.”
J What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”
Now... Don’t you feel better? Or are you till thinking about the pig?
Now... Don’t you feel better? Or are you till thinking about the pig?
Or were you really looking for some genuine health tips? Okay, if you insist.
HEADACHE? Eat Fish; fish oil helps prevent headaches. So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.
HAY FEVER? Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season.
TO PREVENT STROKE: Prevent buildup of fatty deposits on artery walls with regular doses of tea.
INSOMNIA (CAN’T SLEEP?) Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.
ASTHMA? Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial tubes.
ARTHRITIS? Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent arthritis.
UPSET STOMACH? Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure morning sickness and nausea.
BLADDER INFECTION? High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.
BONE PROBLEMS? Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by the manganese in pineapple.
PMS? Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes, which help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue.
MEMORY PROBLEMS? Oysters help improve your mental functioning by supplying much-needed zinc.
COLDS? Clear up that stuffy head by eating garlic.
COUGHING? A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups is found in hot red pepper.
BREAST CANCER? Wheat bran and cabbage help maintain estrogen at healthy levels.
LUNG CANCER? A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A found in dark green and orange vegetables.
ULCERS? Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric and duodena ulcers.
DIARRHEA? Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and eat it to cure this condition.
CLOGGED ARTERIES? Mono unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure. Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure, too.
BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE? The chromium in broccoli and peanuts help regulate insulin and blood sugar.
HAVE A GREAT DAY! Laugh. Collect more material for your comedy routine.
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